As I approach the 3-year anniversary of a life-changing moment in my life, my path of healing through plant medicine, I feel compelled to open up about my journey. My hope is that my story might inspire or help others who are facing similar struggles. September 2nd, 2021 was a profound experience unlike any other in my life, and it got me on a path I never knew existed.
For almost 3 years now, I’ve been on a path of deep healing and self-discovery, exploring areas I once had no interest in. During this time, I’ve immersed myself in the world of entheogens—sacred, ancient plant medicines used for spiritual and healing purposes that have been around for thousands of years. But before I dive into that, let me take you back to where this journey truly began.
Background and Transition
In the past, I’ve shared bits and pieces about how difficult life has been since I sustained a traumatic brain injury in 2008 while serving overseas in Sangin, Afghanistan. That injury changed me overnight. I went from being the person I was working so hard to become to someone I barely recognized. The pain, shame, guilt, sadness, anger, and fear I felt over the years often made me feel like I was losing my mind.
The injury involved 200-250k volts of static electricity grounding through the left side of my skull. The fatigue that came with it disrupted my entire body in almost every way imaginable. The constant exhaustion made me feel useless, which brought on waves of guilt. This guilt, in turn, made me feel like I could no longer be the person I used to be, leading to overwhelming shame, sadness, and eventually, raging anger.
I wasn’t perfect before the injury, but this event shifted something fundamental within me. It felt like I had been thrown into the deepest pits of hell. I was suicidal, hopeless, and on the edge of calling it quits almost daily.
When the anger reached its peak, I had my first panic attack in late 2013. I ended up in the hospital, convinced that I was dying. In that moment, all I could think was, “I can’t leave my wife with nothing.” I realized that my legacy had melted away—every skill and achievement I had worked for had transformed into pure suffering. My legacy had become suffering. “What have I become?” I thought.
From that moment on, I dedicated myself to learning. I entered 2014 with a mission: to think my way out of this.
COVID and the Birth of a New Perspective
When the COVID lockdown began and everyone thought the world was ending, it was the first time I felt a strange sense of relief. I was ready for everything to end. I didn’t want to be in this body anymore. But on the other side of that coin, I knew I couldn’t let those thoughts win. My life as a family man was just beginning—my son was born soon after the start of the lockdown.
In 2020, I realized that the fighter in me, the warrior I had been trying to kill inside, had been waiting for a moment of challenge. I felt calm, content, and ready for the end. Yet, in this ending, a new version of me was born.
For years, the dominant emotion I experienced was anger. But when my son was born, when I witnessed my wife give birth, I felt something I hadn’t felt in years—if ever. I felt contentment. I was responsible for the protection of two people now.
Before my son, I thought if I checked out early, my wife could move on—she’s strong, independent, and capable. But with my son in the picture, I found new motivation to live. Despite the fatigue, the guilt, and the shame, I was determined to find a way forward.
I had read, studied, and researched everything I could find since 2014, trying every protocol within reach to heal my brain. Yet, nothing worked. Hopelessness loomed over me, but now, as a family man, I leaned into it, entering 2021 with a new resolve: to feel my way out of the darkness.
The Journey into Sacred Medicines
By 2021, seven years of relentless study and searching for a solution were coming full circle. I had tried everything to heal my brain and mind, yet I was still suffering. However, with this new responsibility, I was more determined than ever to find long-term relief.
In September of 2021, I had what is known as a Kundalini awakening—a profound and deeply disruptive experience that shook my understanding of myself and reality. This awakening occurred through the use of Bufo, a 5-MeO-DMT entheogen. The only reason I tried it was that studies suggested it could offer relief from PTSD and traumatic brain injuries.
Despite the intensity of the Kundalini awakening, I felt no lasting relief. Within 60 days, I found myself back where I started—if not worse. It was the dark night of dark nights. After 13 years of enduring a dark night of the soul, I was plunged even deeper into the abyss.
But this experience threw me into the rabbit hole of sacred medicines and spirituality, something I had never been interested in before. The profoundness of the Bufo experience opened my mind to things beyond the human experience. I began working with Wendy to help integrate my experience and to explore other potential healing paths.
By February 2022, Wendy introduced me to Sergio, who could help me dig deeper into my experience. Despite feeling awful, I knew there was hope. I just had to keep going.
The Ayahuasca Experience
In March of 2022, I found myself standing on the beautiful 25-acre land of Agape Church, preparing for my first Ayahuasca retreat. As Sergio and Otto spoke to each other, I felt like I was walking into a place to die. I was scared.
After 13 years of searching, I was in disbelief that this 2-ingredient brew called Ayahuasca could do anything for me. My Western mind was resistant—at least until about 45 minutes after I drank that evening.
What I experienced during that retreat isn’t something I can fully describe here—it was for me. But what shifted in me over that weekend is something I believe can resonate with all of us.
I wasn’t magically healed, but I was given a perspective that transcended my mind’s comprehension—a visceral understanding that could only be felt in these mystical experiences. I was shown my entire life, how every single event had to happen for me to become who I am. I realized that my brain injury wasn’t a burden but a gift—a tool to help me become more efficient than if I had been fully healed.
This Ayahuasca experience didn’t remove the fatigue or dysfunctions I experienced, but it gave me a new perspective: every experience is a tool for learning, growth, and enhancing the old version of myself. Each sitting during the retreat compounded the lessons from the previous one.
That same year, I went on to build a multiple 7-figure business, working no more than 4-5 hours per day on average. It felt unreal, as if I wasn’t even the one doing it. I was in a flow state—a state I believe we all are in, though I hadn’t been aware of it due to the layers of suffering I had been carrying.
But the business and the money are not the important parts. What matters is the knowledge and wisdom I gained through many failures since 2013. This was part of my path. The most important lesson I learned is that the only thing I was waiting for was for me to get out of my own way.
Reflection
And yet, life didn’t become perfect after that experience. The partnership I had didn’t align with my values, and 18 months later, around mid-2023, it ended abruptly. I went from zero to hero and back to zero. It was devastating.
What I don’t want you to think is that life becomes perfect after experiences like this. Instead, I’ve come to understand that life has always been perfect for exactly what is needed for personal evolution and self-mastery.
Since 2022, I’ve participated in ceremonies on average twice a month. I’ve realized that it’s not about gathering knowledge but about knowing the Self—a Self that can only be known through experience. As Miski’s friend Alonso, who has been doing this for over 50 years, once said: “After 10 ceremonies, I thought I knew everything; after 100 ceremonies, I realized I knew some things; and after 1,000 ceremonies, I realized I knew nothing.”
I am nowhere near 1,000, but I am slowly beginning to understand that perspective. After my first retreat, I thought I was going to save the world. After my first year of sitting with ayahuasca, I just wanted to save the country. After my second year, I wanted to save myself. And, now nearing the end of my 3rd year I’ve realized there is nothing to save. I only wanted to love all of me—my past, present, and future—wholly and fully.
As I lean into this mystery, as of February this year, my brain has been on an obvious healing process. Something I didn’t expect, something I had always wanted but couldn’t seem to quite find the answer on my own. I can’t explain it, whether it’s time, realizations, or the many times I’ve sat with Ayahuasca—I don’t know. All I know is that I don’t know, and I’m here for it.
As I move through my third year and draw closer to my fourth, I contemplate what all this means. Here’s what I’ve discovered from my personal experience so far:
I love you as I love myself, and I love myself as I love you.
Every day that I struggle to love you, I struggle to love myself.
And when I struggle to love you, I find a reason to love. I look to my son and wife.
I see how much love they need to thrive and how much forgiveness it takes to love.
Every day I forgive myself for not being a perfect father and husband, and in that realization, I see that I was the perfect person I needed to be to learn the next lesson.
I’m beginning to understand how much love it takes to create beauty and how much pain it takes to love.
Pain is the path, and the pleasure is in the practice.